Tag: coming out later in life

Coming Out. Again and again and again and….

It has been almost exactly two years since I told my now ex-husband that I “think I might be gay”.  Not really that long when you think about it.  I live in a new world now wearing a new pair of (comfortable) shoes.  There is still the occasional stone that gets stuck in there which varies from being slightly annoying to extremely painful.  I wrote about waves of grief.  It seems that they go away, but really they just slow down… spread out… and when they hit they can knock me down or just lap at my feet.  (I’m just full ofmetaphors today – it must be the rain.)

I have been home for just over a week after sharing my one-person show No Gold Star at the Halifax Fringe Festival.  It was part of a double bill with my friends who showed their play Unexpectedly Trans and we named the performance “Out Late”.  Doing this show is a wonderful challenge – a personal, emotional challenge.  Coming out on stage to a new group of strangers every evening.  Not knowing if I am in a supportive space or not on any given show.  Not knowing how I will be judged or accepted for each concept and idea that comes out of my mouth. Being out there all vulnerable, especially the first performance, hit me hard like I was starting coming out all over again.  Luckily I have an amazing support system that kept me going after night one.

To be completely honest – it’s not the most fun I’ve had performing.  It is fun at parts but it is also scary.  But it feels important, it feels purposeful.  The amount of people who have said “Thank you for telling this story”.  So onward I go.  Grateful that I have this story-telling thing that I do, and hoping that it can reach as many people who need to hear it as possible.

OUTLate Cover

Kissing Frogs

Kissing you is like how I thought it should be

But then I kissed so many frogs

I forgot what I knew

And kissing green seemed normal

Became normal – I stopped questioning

Now I remember the dreams the original dreams

Of lust and love and the magic in between

You bring out my insecurity

It’s easy to be confident standing beside a frog

But now I remember the girl, kissing her reflection

With all the hope, but not enough questions

And all the enthusiasm to master the expected.

Change and staying the same

Maybe once I am done examining myself, I can move on to something more productive.  I would like to say I have high hopes for 2017.  I would like to say I will get it all back on track.  All the creative progress, the career progress I made will pick up where I left off…  But I have a suspicion that it might not be so simple.  It is possible that I am changed in such a way that I will have to find a new approach to everything.   I am not sure – but it feels weird to me to have one part of my life change in such a major way and then have everything else remain the same.  Shouldn’t it all start to peel away – all the pieces?

I find myself hesitating – afraid to make choices, worried that I will end up so far down the wrong path that righting my wrong will involve completely uprooting my life.  Again.

I am working on a different mindset.  A different thought pattern.  Less defeatist.  Perhaps these lives are just layers, chapters.  Some chapters sail smoothly from one to the next while others turn everything upside down.  It’s all still the story though.  Necessary growth, growth spurts… plateaus…  Clearly I don’t have this positive outlook worked out just yet.

I used to have something going on… Don’t dwell on the past.

What if nothing comes of any of it… Don’t stress about the future.

But if I only live in the present, how do I have purpose?

Working on the balance of it.

 

I Care What People Think

One unhappy revelation that has come out of my coming out (ha) is the gross truth that I actually care what people think of me.  It’s human, don’t beat yourself up about it – that’s what my therapist says –  We all care.  But I don’t want to!! All my life I’ve prided myself on not caring what people think of me.  And that myth has been reinforced by friends and family.  I have often gotten “You know what I admire about you? You just do whatever you want – you don’t care what anyone thinks.”

Guess what guys?  It’s a big lie!  I totally care.  I just have added an extra layer on top because I also want you to think that I don’t care what you think.  Which, I’ve done a pretty good job doing – I even fooled myself.  But not deep down.  Deep down I knew that I was motivated by my ego.  Wanting to seem carefree, independent, unharmed by other’s opinions, strong, unbreakable.  Turns out I’m just another effing human being.  Very upsetting.  I mean, why the hell would I have gone through so many relationships with men – even getting married – if deep down I didn’t give a rats ass?

I knew early on that I wanted to kiss girls.  But each time I made an effort I would get shut down, shamed or teased.  So I made a joke of it.  I could go from “I want to kiss you” to “Just Kidding!!” in two seconds flat.  Luckily I’m a bit funny so I always pulled that shit off.  And then I would overcompensate with how much I liked this guy or that guy.  The deeper I got into this routine, the harder it became to acknowledge my attraction to women.  Who would believe me?  I’ve done “straight” so convincingly.

Now I’m not reducing all my experiences with men to such cold and calculating choices – it runs deeper than that – it’s more complicated.  But absolutely – if I did not care what people thought I would have been seeking out women at a much younger age.

Oh well.  C’est la vie.  Lessons learned.  With my new knowledge – that I actually care – I am able to navigate my choices with more honesty – and hopefully  make better ones in the future.   Getting older and smarter, one day at a time.