Coming out at 35 (including admitting to yourself/discovering for yourself that you are gay) can be a real mind fuck.  Excuse my language, but it’s the best descriptive I can think of at the moment.  Aside from all the things you might think are challenging – there’s also the thought “If I was wrong about that, what else was I wrong about?!”.

I find myself over a year past my  “aha!” moment.  The moment of truth.  It was after my first therapy session with my counsellor.  I went to her because I thought I “might be gay”.  After one session with her I was walking down the street and this surge went through my body, I nearly started laughing… or crying… or choking on the sheer “Oh My God” feeling when I said to myself “I am a Lesbian”.  Since then I’ve battled that truth, questioned it, tried to define every little detail of it – but at the end of the day, it just is.

This kind of epiphany makes me wonder what else I have been lying to myself about.  What other stories have I told myself to fit into one mould or the other.  It’s easy to go into spirals with this sort of thought pattern – and I have – but I’ve recently found some kind of peace in simply identifying this internal battle.  It almost keeps me more present… and it gives me something simple to pay attention to.  Moments of truth can’t all be bolts of lightning – to be honest I still am not sure how to identify what’s what – but I’m starting to listen, and that in itself has quieted a lot of the noise.