Category: Uncategorized

Random thoughts during a Pandemic

Maybe I’d rather live on a farm

Thank god I live where I do

Maybe I should become a vegetarian – like actually try

I would love a burger right now

I want more space

I don’t like this

This is perhaps a great opportunity!

What’s the point

Ugh

I should clean everything

I don’t want to do anything

Thank god I love the person I live with

The person I live with is being annoying

I am annoying

The person I live with is an angel

Leave me alone

Thank god I’m not alone

Pay attention to me

Is today still happening?

I’m so glad I have work to do

I wish I had no work

I love my job

I hate my job

My life lacks any meaning if I can’t do x, y or z

I have meaning because of a, b and c

Is it happy hour yet?

I should quit drinking… Tomorrow

Breathe

Gratitude list

Repeat

 

 

Honesty and Covid

Honesty and Covid

It’s easier to be honest when you’ve already hit rock bottom and are working your way out (for me, this was admitting to myself I was gay and that my marriage was not working regardless).  When you’ve said it out loud, and are working to change and grow.  Once you’ve hit a place of “recovered”, “sorted out” or “success”, honesty can feel threatening.

Because you risked so much to have what you have now.

Because if you admit that everything is not perfect after all that, does it ruin your success?

Because our modern day fairy tale is about recovering from rock bottom, and finally living the perfect life you imagined.

In many ways I am living the life I imagined.

In some ways I am not.  Since the pandemic, and the subsequent repercussions, most of us are definitely not.

Covid-19 has smacked us all in the face in a variety of ways and to a different level for each of us.  The fact that I’m sitting in my home (which is secure), writing on a laptop with available internet clearly puts me in a fairly safe boat that other’s don’t have right now.  The fact that I even have a moment to contemplate anything beyond survival right now means I am a lucky one.   This has not escaped my notice.  I am physically, and (for now) financially surviving.

What I also have realized, is for me to survive, and thrive mentally and emotionally I need certain things.

Self expression.  Alone time and space.  Creative output.  Physical movement. Touch.  Sexual release.  Music. Connection.  Healthy food.  Sleep.

Half of those things on my list of “needs” require being honest.  It’s hard to be honest.  For fear of judgement.  For fear of being perceived self-indulgent.  For fear of people seeing the cracks.  For fear of admitting to oneself that not all is in line with one’s own values and truth.  That we are not Oprah.  That all is not in line with our greater vision.

Maybe a silver lining of this pandemic, for those who actually have the safety and security to pause for it, is being forced to face the little things that normally get pushed aside.  Maybe this is a collective “rock bottom” for our world.  An opportunity.  To be honest.  To be imperfect – even in the areas which our ego’s value the most. Even if just in those moments when we have the strength to lift up out of the fog.

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude

I’ve been doing an on line meditation practice for the past couple of weeks – part of my “self-care” resolution for 2017.  Within this practice, we are guided to write the things we are grateful for on that given day.  I am not a stranger to listing gratitudes, but in this practice we are encouraged to go a little deeper, “breathe them in”, and sometimes – to list one thing we struggle with/have struggled with and try to find gratitude for it.

This isn’t so easy.  It’s not terribly difficult for me to “look at the positives” in theory. To write it down on a piece of paper.  But to really feel it – that’s a bit more of a challenge.

I recently chose to find gratitude for the losses I’ve experienced through coming out and getting divorced.  Of course I am grateful for the benefits – but I still struggle with the feeling that I have wound back the clock on both my career and my finances – that I’ve lost all progress, and may or may not get it back.  That the big dream I was building for myself came crashing down, and there is no guarantee of repair. Prior to coming out, my artistic career was the most important thing to me.  Since coming out, it has had to take a back seat… which I knew would happen, but hoped it would be brief.

In the exercise I wrote something like “I am grateful for these losses and heartbreaks, because when I do succeed, it will feel that much sweeter”.  Right away I realized I was not feeling grateful for where I am now, but projecting toward something that I can’t control. I then wrote something like – ‘It has lead me to my present self’ – not quite understanding that statement fully.  Later in the day it sunk in for me.  I actually felt true gratitude for these losses – with the result being who I am today.  I have said these kinds of things before, but not understood them in my heart.  This is the thing:  If I hadn’t lost so much, I wouldn’t know that there is way more to life than my career goals.  I wouldn’t know that I would do it all over again – exactly the same way, suffering in the same way, and not knowing when or if or how my recovered career would come about.  I would not know the joy of loving myself – my true self – and allowing it all to be seen.  I wouldn’t know love for another person in the way I know it now.  And I wouldn’t know that this love for myself and for another person could be worth gambling all the rest of it.

I don’t have to choose anymore.  I may or may not get back some of what was lost.  I am working toward it, and receiving wonderful new gifts, strengths and experiences along the way.  Regardless of what happens in my career, I will always know that putting myself first was worth it.

thumb_img_1347_1024
A beautiful image captured on one of the most exhausting, frustrating days of walking the Camino de Santiago, Portuguese route.  We were lost when I took this photo. Summer 2016.

 

I Care What People Think

One unhappy revelation that has come out of my coming out (ha) is the gross truth that I actually care what people think of me.  It’s human, don’t beat yourself up about it – that’s what my therapist says –  We all care.  But I don’t want to!! All my life I’ve prided myself on not caring what people think of me.  And that myth has been reinforced by friends and family.  I have often gotten “You know what I admire about you? You just do whatever you want – you don’t care what anyone thinks.”

Guess what guys?  It’s a big lie!  I totally care.  I just have added an extra layer on top because I also want you to think that I don’t care what you think.  Which, I’ve done a pretty good job doing – I even fooled myself.  But not deep down.  Deep down I knew that I was motivated by my ego.  Wanting to seem carefree, independent, unharmed by other’s opinions, strong, unbreakable.  Turns out I’m just another effing human being.  Very upsetting.  I mean, why the hell would I have gone through so many relationships with men – even getting married – if deep down I didn’t give a rats ass?

I knew early on that I wanted to kiss girls.  But each time I made an effort I would get shut down, shamed or teased.  So I made a joke of it.  I could go from “I want to kiss you” to “Just Kidding!!” in two seconds flat.  Luckily I’m a bit funny so I always pulled that shit off.  And then I would overcompensate with how much I liked this guy or that guy.  The deeper I got into this routine, the harder it became to acknowledge my attraction to women.  Who would believe me?  I’ve done “straight” so convincingly.

Now I’m not reducing all my experiences with men to such cold and calculating choices – it runs deeper than that – it’s more complicated.  But absolutely – if I did not care what people thought I would have been seeking out women at a much younger age.

Oh well.  C’est la vie.  Lessons learned.  With my new knowledge – that I actually care – I am able to navigate my choices with more honesty – and hopefully  make better ones in the future.   Getting older and smarter, one day at a time.

Writing the Truth in the Moment (and a link to my short film!)

I started keeping a journal when I was about 15 or 16 years old.  I embraced my writing at around 23.  Most of the work I’ve done has been self-reflective or inspired by what I have already experienced – ‘write what you know’.  Through this, I always thought of myself as fairly self-aware – able to point out my flaws and make fun, able to understand my inner workings.  This is much of the reason why coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality at 35 was such a jolt to my system – I thought I knew myself.

Looking back, I can see there were topics I shied away from.  For instance, I don’t have any written record of my feelings for the first woman I really fell for – even though I remember it so well.  I avoided.  I pushed it away – it was the kind of thing I couldn’t quite admit on paper.  Or maybe I didn’t want anyone to find out the deep truth.  I didn’t want evidence.  I am not sure.

I let those moments pass and carried forward with my ‘hetero life’, but the feelings stayed in the back of my head.  She stayed in the back of my head.  I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t figure it out.  The simple answer was too hard to admit.

About 5 or 6 years ago, I started working on a feature film screenplay about a closeted gay woman stuck in a marriage – this later would become the first feature I would produce (currently in post production and in need of funding) titled “Writing Kim”.  Prior to producing the feature, I  wrote, co-produced and performed in a short film with similar themes titled It’s Not About Kate.  When I watch this film now, I can see in my writing that I was too afraid to set the central character free.  I wasn’t ready to go there personally, and I wasn’t ready to go there as a writer.  I knew my truth lingered under the surface, and that frightened me.

I look forward to writing something where my protagonist allows herself to be.  Where she is queer, and it’s no longer an internal struggle.  However, for many, not being out is the reality – and I think there is a place for these stories – there is a place for the truth in the present moment.

 

 

white picket fence

Is there a scenario where this ends well?

 

I think I have been turned.  I have turned myself.

My imagination isn’t holding up so well anymore.

 

So what now?

How long do I wait and see?

I didn’t like that

I was pretending

I did not like that

I was lying

For love

For self preservation.

 

—

 

Art imitates life.

Art has blown the top off of life.

What is true.

The chicken or the egg.

 

—

 

I try to live for – or with integrity.

She lives with purpose

I don’t know if the means justifies the ends.

She is all about the end

She plays this game so well

I think she will win

Nice guys finish last.

—

 

“You have secrets”.  He said it in passing.  He said it in passing.  He said it in passing.  He said it as a challenge cloaked in a joke cloaked in “I don’t care” and hidden behind “What?  I didn’t say anything.”

–

I don’t trust her.  I maybe did once.  For a day or two.  When it felt like we were in it together.

–

Water is healing.  I am myself – whoever that is.

I am still angry.

I think he can tell.

But we aren’t good at talking.

Not about the real stuff, anyway.

 

—

It’s only been 5 days since I’ve seen her.

I think I was using her.

I think we were using eachother.

—

 

Her brown eyes invite me to a world I have only imagined.

But I cannot reach her through this white picket fence.