It’s easier to be honest when you’ve already hit rock bottom and are working your way out (for me, this was admitting to myself I was gay and that my marriage was not working regardless).  When you’ve said it out loud, and are working to change and grow.  Once you’ve hit a place of “recovered”, “sorted out” or “success”, honesty can feel threatening.

Because you risked so much to have what you have now.

Because if you admit that everything is not perfect after all that, does it ruin your success?

Because our modern day fairy tale is about recovering from rock bottom, and finally living the perfect life you imagined.

In many ways I am living the life I imagined.

In some ways I am not.  Since the pandemic, and the subsequent repercussions, most of us are definitely not.

Covid-19 has smacked us all in the face in a variety of ways and to a different level for each of us.  The fact that I’m sitting in my home (which is secure), writing on a laptop with available internet clearly puts me in a fairly safe boat that other’s don’t have right now.  The fact that I even have a moment to contemplate anything beyond survival right now means I am a lucky one.   This has not escaped my notice.  I am physically, and (for now) financially surviving.

What I also have realized, is for me to survive, and thrive mentally and emotionally I need certain things.

Self expression.  Alone time and space.  Creative output.  Physical movement. Touch.  Sexual release.  Music. Connection.  Healthy food.  Sleep.

Half of those things on my list of “needs” require being honest.  It’s hard to be honest.  For fear of judgement.  For fear of being perceived self-indulgent.  For fear of people seeing the cracks.  For fear of admitting to oneself that not all is in line with one’s own values and truth.  That we are not Oprah.  That all is not in line with our greater vision.

Maybe a silver lining of this pandemic, for those who actually have the safety and security to pause for it, is being forced to face the little things that normally get pushed aside.  Maybe this is a collective “rock bottom” for our world.  An opportunity.  To be honest.  To be imperfect – even in the areas which our ego’s value the most. Even if just in those moments when we have the strength to lift up out of the fog.