(An excerpt of a previous draft of “No Gold Star” – my one person play… part of this still made the cut.)

I feel like the 16 year old who still has’t got her period.  Or the only virgin in the room.  The other lesbians talk about the days of the L word, and how they saw the actors from the show when they were in the lesbian club that no longer exists.  They mention their ex girlfriends in funny or interesting anecdotes and everyone nods in knowing agreement or appreciation.  They share photos of themselves going to that lesbian concert wearing their out-of-date lesbian fashion.  And they all laugh.  They joke about the time they hooked up with their friend, reminiscing and giving critiques of how the other was in bed.

So what do I say?

Nothing.  I don’t want to turn it into a therapy session, nor do I feel like joking about the time I hooked up with the guy in Mexico and afterwards he crossed himself…. Because I’m amazing… That story is hilarious for a straight woman audience, but it will taint my validity in this group.  It’s hard to equate a lesbian as being good in bed with men.  Hey, I had standards for myself – sex was much about ego for me – Also, I was making the best of what I had – before I was with women.  But that’s not really a light conversation when you are just meeting people, when you are expected to blend.  In fact, that story doesn’t really resonate for the straight posse either – it just furthers their belief that you aren’t actually gay – you’re just trying it on for size.  And it would convince the bisexuals that you’re on their team… which isn’t the worst thing – but it’s not the truth.  You’re just a specific kind of gay.  So instead of getting into a whole speech about how you are a special kind of snowflake, you just nod, and laugh, and hope that the conversation shifts back to what everyone was up to last weekend.

Or you can tell your truth.  You can find yourself in a new closet if you aren’t careful.