I’ve been doing an on line meditation practice for the past couple of weeks – part of my “self-care” resolution for 2017.  Within this practice, we are guided to write the things we are grateful for on that given day.  I am not a stranger to listing gratitudes, but in this practice we are encouraged to go a little deeper, “breathe them in”, and sometimes – to list one thing we struggle with/have struggled with and try to find gratitude for it.

This isn’t so easy.  It’s not terribly difficult for me to “look at the positives” in theory. To write it down on a piece of paper.  But to really feel it – that’s a bit more of a challenge.

I recently chose to find gratitude for the losses I’ve experienced through coming out and getting divorced.  Of course I am grateful for the benefits – but I still struggle with the feeling that I have wound back the clock on both my career and my finances – that I’ve lost all progress, and may or may not get it back.  That the big dream I was building for myself came crashing down, and there is no guarantee of repair. Prior to coming out, my artistic career was the most important thing to me.  Since coming out, it has had to take a back seat… which I knew would happen, but hoped it would be brief.

In the exercise I wrote something like “I am grateful for these losses and heartbreaks, because when I do succeed, it will feel that much sweeter”.  Right away I realized I was not feeling grateful for where I am now, but projecting toward something that I can’t control. I then wrote something like – ‘It has lead me to my present self’ – not quite understanding that statement fully.  Later in the day it sunk in for me.  I actually felt true gratitude for these losses – with the result being who I am today.  I have said these kinds of things before, but not understood them in my heart.  This is the thing:  If I hadn’t lost so much, I wouldn’t know that there is way more to life than my career goals.  I wouldn’t know that I would do it all over again – exactly the same way, suffering in the same way, and not knowing when or if or how my recovered career would come about.  I would not know the joy of loving myself – my true self – and allowing it all to be seen.  I wouldn’t know love for another person in the way I know it now.  And I wouldn’t know that this love for myself and for another person could be worth gambling all the rest of it.

I don’t have to choose anymore.  I may or may not get back some of what was lost.  I am working toward it, and receiving wonderful new gifts, strengths and experiences along the way.  Regardless of what happens in my career, I will always know that putting myself first was worth it.