Month: December 2016

But enough about me…

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I want to look outward

Yes, I know – the entire universe is inside of me

But it gets lonely in here

and crazy

and suffocating.

What about you?

What kind of universe is inside of you?

I have trekked around in my own mind for so long

circling and digging and questioning and studying

I am almost lost inside of these habits.

Contentment and self love were the goals

but now I am wondering

What kind of planet do you live on?

What are the trees like there?  Do they burn red

when the seasons are changing?

When it rains – if it rains – does the damp sink in so deep

that you forget what the sun feels like?

Is there warmth?  Does your sun shine bright for you?

And does God exist?  Or have you figured that out yet…

Is there anything missing, or are you full up…

These are the things I would like to know.

Maybe I could visit your planet, your universe for a while.

Mine has become both crowded and empty.

I can’t quite explain it.  But I’d rather not dig any further

today.

Change and staying the same

Maybe once I am done examining myself, I can move on to something more productive.  I would like to say I have high hopes for 2017.  I would like to say I will get it all back on track.  All the creative progress, the career progress I made will pick up where I left off…  But I have a suspicion that it might not be so simple.  It is possible that I am changed in such a way that I will have to find a new approach to everything.   I am not sure – but it feels weird to me to have one part of my life change in such a major way and then have everything else remain the same.  Shouldn’t it all start to peel away – all the pieces?

I find myself hesitating – afraid to make choices, worried that I will end up so far down the wrong path that righting my wrong will involve completely uprooting my life.  Again.

I am working on a different mindset.  A different thought pattern.  Less defeatist.  Perhaps these lives are just layers, chapters.  Some chapters sail smoothly from one to the next while others turn everything upside down.  It’s all still the story though.  Necessary growth, growth spurts… plateaus…  Clearly I don’t have this positive outlook worked out just yet.

I used to have something going on… Don’t dwell on the past.

What if nothing comes of any of it… Don’t stress about the future.

But if I only live in the present, how do I have purpose?

Working on the balance of it.